oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
