Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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