I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
