I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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