she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
