he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
