I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
