I didn't shave. On purpose
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The Olympian is in my bed
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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