I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
