I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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