I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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