does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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