I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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