My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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