where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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