They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
