you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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