Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
