Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
