I just threw up on my dentist
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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