if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have already put on my inside pants.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
