Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
