I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
