In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
