OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
