I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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