i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
