Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
