There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
