just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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