He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The best revenge is premature balding
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
