the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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