so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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