You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
