she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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