Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
