I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
