Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
