i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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