dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
