What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can text with my tongue
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
