when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
