he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
