my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
