Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just threw up on my dentist
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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