My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
