Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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