Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
