I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
