i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
