My cat gives me a boner
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
