just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
