shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
