When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
